Lb69 online joke book ~ LB-69

il start lb69's online joke book

A women is pregnant with triplets
walking in the street one day she was caught in a shoot out and hit in the stomach by 3 bullets
luckily the babies survived
several years later
one evening the womens daughter comes to her crying "mum i had a wee and the bullet come out"
the other daughter comes in crying
"dont tell me you had a wee and a bullet came out"
"yes"
"its ok go back to bed"
The son comes running into his mothers bedroom laughing
"ive just had a wank and shot the dog"

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

5 SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.

1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.

2. Its important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. Its important to have a woman who you can trust & doesnt lie.

4. Its important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.

5. Its very, very important that these four bitches dont know each other!!!!!!!!!!

first off im not racist towards anyone, this how us english recieve jokes aboutour irish cousins.

Paddy is on death row and his time is up!
hes given the option of either been shot by firing sqaud, hung, or injected with the aids virus for a slow death.
He says, "Give me the aids stuff".
They inject paddy and he starts rolling around the floor laughing.
The warden says "whats so funny paddy ?"
Paddy replies, "I'm wearing a condom"!

stevie

5yr old jonny is at home off school and is playing with his train set when his mother over hears him say, those who are getting off, fuck off, those who are getting on, hurry the fuck up!
with this his mother is anoid and sends little jonny upstairs to his room for 2 hours to think about what his just said.
later,
jonny is back playing with his train set and his mother listens in,
jonny says, those who wish to disembark please leave now and have a safe journey onwards, those who wish to get on please mind the step and enjoy your trip, Those who are annoyed about the delay, blame the fat bitch in the kitchen ! Laughing

Why does Mike Tyson cry after sex?

Its just the Pepper Spray Very Happy

a few more to keep you smiling

Why do men get circumcised?

Because women will GRAB anything with 10% off!!

What’s the opposite of Christopher reeve?

Christopher walken.

How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?

The hotdogs all taste like shit!

Why dont women over the age of 70 get sent for smear tests?

Have you ever tried to pull a cheese toastie apart !!

Jeremy Beadle has requested his remains be recycled into compost and scattered on his garden. ITV sources say he could be back in early Autum with ' Watch Out Beadles A Sprout ' !!

whats black and screams ??
Stevie wonder answering the iron

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Christopher Reeve after a fire!

Whats blue and fucks old people?

Me in my lucky blue jumper

whats small,furry and hates sex.

the injured rabbit in the boot of my car!

Laughing

keep them coming boys i need some new ammo for work

Ladyboy Hunter Joined: 17 Jul 2006 Posts: 201 Points: 143

Some old tommy copper style jokes

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not
unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's
have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to
put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's
really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside. "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother
Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctor 's, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Ladyboy Hunter Joined: 17 Jul 2006 Posts: 201 Points: 143

Whats the similarities between a black man and a bicycle

They both work better with a chain on them Shocked

Whats blue and scares mothers?

Cot death
Laughing

a bit but made me smile first time i heard it

jeremy beadles cock was very small, but in the other hand it was massive Laughing

poor jeremy beadle, dying so young. life really did deal him a shit hand.